28 7 / 2012
Letters from the Opening Ceremony
“After successfully turning myself into a minor figure of Twitter hate last night for suggesting that the opening ceremony had left-wing tones, what is there left for me to do? Who is there left to offend after getting under the skin of the wishy-washy, liberal, Guardianista, twitter based, political correctness brigade? As an insignificant Tory backbencher, annoying people on the internet is a career highlight for me. Like a really fat bloke at a premier league football match who starts swearing at his own players and manager, despite the fact no one actually cares about his opinion. Sure I might get a five minute chat on “You’re on Sky Sports” after the match where I can air my tactical wisdom. When I’m sitting at home by myself, my sixth beer in hand, watching constant re-runs of my own appearance on “YOSS”, I’ll know I’ve made it!
I thought the opening ceremony was meant to be a celebration of Britain’s history? Where was the celebration of Britain’s greatest historical triumph ever? The Great British Empire of course! It was a shame to see history trying to be rewritten by having blacks as anything other than slaves during the Victorian period! Slavery and colonisation, that’s the sort of integration I like to see! None of this mixed-race marriage nonsense where the state force blacks to marry whites in order to look good on their political correctness quotas!
Furthermore, the opening ceremony really opened my eyes to what a mess the NHS is! Now, I’ve never set foot inside an NHS hospital in my life and so I’m assuming what I saw last night was an accurate portrayal of what happens. So based entirely on that, the NHS reforms can’t come soon enough! Fuck reforms, dismantle the entire thing, I know people keep saying the Tories are trying to dismantle the NHS as a form of attack, but good! People will thank us, what bloody use are dancing nurses and trampoline beds when you’re critically ill? When I break my leg I want crutches and a cast, not fucking show tunes! Clearly the NHS is another example of left wing extravagance trying to hypnotise the poor into voting for them. The bastards.” - Aidan Burley
“One must apologise if one looked glum throughout the entire proceedings but I have a very good reason for this. I was glum, throughout the entire proceedings. I can’t believe I stopped playing Wii tennis for this rubbish! Daniel Craig convinced me it would be a fun night out, maybe have a few drinks, sing along to our favourite songs. I knew literally none of the songs! It was the worst play list ever and I’ve listened to some of Harry’s stuff. Though Harry does tend to stick more to wholesome Nazi soldier songs, he unfortunately does throw in a bit of hip-hop from time to time. When I hear the contrasts of those two types of music, I do sit back and wonder sometimes what could have been in the world. Maybe Hitler was right.
It was bad enough watching the musical which looks like it was done by the worst Britain’s Got Talent audition ever. Seriously, no one was in time and what they did could hardly be called dancing. They just waved their arms about manically like Supermarionation on speed. They then had to parade all these strange foreign countries, most of whom had names like really awful Scrabble hands. I would have cried a little each time I saw a flag walk past with a union jack in it, but fortunately my tear ducts have dried out. Philip decided to dip his tongue in wax before we arrived, to make it a little more comfortable for himself whilst he was biting it to try and keep quiet. I’m surprised he didn’t have an aneurysm keeping it all back. Oh well, at least he now has a lot of material to help the BNP launch their own Christmas crackers.” - The Queen
16 7 / 2012
“Well, on the plus side, he is a really useful engine” Critics were eventually won over after it was revealed the £9bn rail investment was just to help Cameron realise his childhood dream of turning Britain into the Island of Sodor.
30 6 / 2012
“After 100 yards, take a u-turn, then after 500 yards, take another!” No one was impressed with the Osborne Sat Nav. Least of all George.
25 6 / 2012
“I’ve been into far too many universities where young people have proudly declared that they have friends with benefits, it’s time to crush this culture of depedency from an early age!” David also bemoaned how the “fuck buddy” culture was ruining the institution of marriage.
22 6 / 2012
The Economy finally attacks Greece
After years of members of the shady cult commonly known as “Economists” prophesying that the economy was set to sink Greece and destroy the very way of life of the inhabitants, the inevitable has now happened. Earlier this morning, rising out of the sea near Athens the 500ft tall monster approached the city with some citizens wondering if it was too late to vote it in as Greek prime minister. The news thrilled the “Economist” cult, as they worship and pray to the monster, presumably because they don’t want to die.
After the devastation the economy has left in Greece, members of an opposing cult the Anti-Economists (imaginative name) are now predicting that the monster will continue its rampage in other Eurozone countries. Including Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland. Most worryingly of all for people with little islander syndrome is that it could attack Britain. However, leading members of the Anti-Economist cult, who tried in vain to warn about the recent attack, have little sympathy.
“What were people expecting? How many warnings did people want?” One anonymous member of the cult asked. We then discovered it was a rhetorical question. Indeed, they may have a point, for the past few years the news has been taken over by Economists and Anti-Economists warning what dangers the Economy holds for several countries. “We don’t understand why no one decided to listen to us, we said the Economy looks dangerous and what do the government do? They decide to raise VAT, what fucking use is that against a 500ft tall monster?” The cult member asked, again rhetorically.
The Conservative government in Britain claims they have heeded the warnings from Anti-Economists. “We need to make sure the Economy can’t be strengthened any more, which is why we’ve really been trying our best to make sure it doesn’t grow any more,” David Cameron explained, “Labour were part of the group who wanted the monster to grow and be in a position to destroy Britain.” Members of the Labour party were unavailable for comment as they were all on pilgrimage to bow at the monster’s feet.
Members of the anti-economist group also launched a scathing attack on the Liberal Democrats, specifically on their stance towards Trident. “We don’t want to get rid of Trident in order to help the Economy, that’d be really stupid, we need to keep Tident so we can BLOW UP the Economy if it tries to invade us!” A different anonymous member of the cult said.
21 6 / 2012
“So yes, I was also thinking of scrapping PE and just replacing it with self-esteem lessons, some kids are just born to be fat! What do you think?” Michael was slow to realise the chicken following him wasn’t a new Lib Dem colleague.
13 6 / 2012
“Look, all I’m saying is, if Murdoch was British then there’d be noone complaining about him taking over Bskyb. Also can you really afford to not watch the olympics in HD?” After Jeremy Hunt accused the whole country of racism, David Cameron was forced to buy him a slightly less expensive cheese board for Christmas.
11 6 / 2012
“No you idiot, I said ‘Leave her the pub’ as in the one we own, in our will. NOT ‘Leave her AT the pub’ as in one that’s probably run by scummy lefties!” David didn’t have the heart to tell Sam that they didn’t own a pub. So he later bought one that day. After that he rescued their daughter.
10 6 / 2012
This will be the first of a “mini-series” looking at the various political party logos in Britain and trying to uncover what they really mean. When a party releases a new logo there is often a lot of Sherlockian style detective work trying to get to the bottom of why they chose such a thing. So when the Conservatives decided a decapitated arm holding the Olympic torch wasn’t appealing to voters anymore, David Cameron decided to whip out the crayons and try something new.
They decided to pick a tree, of all things, to be their political symbol for generations to come. Yes, the proud, strong, traditional, blue British Oak tree was now to be their logo. Perhaps if David had invested in a brown crayon there might not now be this confusion as to why they picked a blue tree. Some suggest it’s because they now claim to listen to climate science and want to be the greenest government/party ever. However, on closer inspection, their logo actually looks like the top of a building and a chimney. From this chimney rises lots of green smog, which is probably a more accurate description of their “green credentials” in government so far.
