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“Stop bugging us!” – Plead top UK cancer researchers

A group of high level researchers at Cancer Research UK have been getting increasingly tired of public pleas for them to actually cure cancer. The researchers feel too much pressure is being put on them by cancer sufferers themselves but also by the media constantly asking the public to donate money to help fund further research. Mark Thomson gave us some insight, “Constant letters telling us that their children are dying won’t help us find a cure any quicker, it’s like they want to hinder us sometimes, it takes time to read them all.”  His sentiments were echoed amongst his colleagues, many of whom were getting tired of receiving charity money and feeling obliged to spend it on research. “Sure it’s cool to get new equipment with the money, but the novelty quickly wears off and people become apathetic until we get a new toy to play with,” Bert Clysder explained, “if people spent more time becoming medical researchers rather than sending us money we might have found a cure by now.”

Celebrities now randomly taking babies from maternity wards, no one cares.

A new craze of “spontaneous adoption” has swept the celebrity world in the past few weeks. The trend started when Nicole Scherzinger was seen leaving a maternity ward with a baby under each arm. Since then other celebrities have followed the trend, Kanye West was spotted transporting a wheelbarrow of new-borns out the hospital. For the most part, the parents of these children are grateful they’ve been guaranteed wealth without needing to actually work hard or have natural talent. “I’d be a little more upset if I knew them properly,” a former mother of twins explained, “but it’s hard to relate with someone when all they do is cry.” However, not everyone is comfortable with people accepting what is essentially kidnap. Barry Redfern, who recently became inundated with a son, gave his side, “This doesn’t make any sense! Why are people just happy to have their children taken from them? People should be disgusted with themselves!” The only explanation for this angry outburst of logic has to be jealousy due to no one wanting to take his ugly baby off his hands.

Scientists disprove infinite love

Now to round off with a light hearted story as scientists at CERN have proved beyond all doubt that there is no such thing as infinite love. No matter how much you insist that you love your partner infinitely, it has been proven that it just isn’t possible. Religious leaders have latched on to the research claiming it gives even more proof for the existence of God since he has the capacity to be a dick sometimes. “We always thought God was omnibenevolent, since that has been disproven we can explain why bad things happen to good people, God likes being a jerk sometimes,” Father Usther explained. The scientists at CERN confirmed the sole purpose of the research was so people spent less time thinking about stupid things so more time could be spent on worthwhile endeavours, like building a full scale working replica of Megatron. “Who needs infinite love when you can have something that is infinitely cool, like Megatron, John Ellis reasoned.

Can you dance? Probably not. However, Logic dictates if you are being dragged to Level 2 or Sub Zero then you’ve already had over three times the recommended daily allowance of alcohol. So despite any previous judgements you’re going to try throwing some shapes anyway. Before you rush in head first and start poorly cutting rugs like a carpet salesman who hates their job, take these small tips to mind. Whereas you wouldn’t be getting 10s on Strictly by following this guide, it should at least make people look at you with a sense of curiosity rather than pity. Or at least curiosity before the pity.

Just copy everyone: What it says on the proverbial tin really. Do a quick scan of the room to see what general dance moves everyone else has cracked out and give them a go yourself. Be quick though, if you’re the last one to join in on a dance trend you’ll be accused of only doing it because everyone else is. Although that is exactly the point of this technique, you’d never actually admit it in public. Wouldn’t want angry glances from the dance hipsters would you?

Sing: That’s like dancing right? But for your vocal chords! Even better, you can attempt rapping and make yourself look like an angry traffic warden by throwing some outdated hand signs about the place. If you aren’t good with lyrics then you’d best hope that “Yeah” by Usher or “A-Punk” by Vampire Weekend comes on so you can at least get the chorus right. If you get the chorus wrong, then God help you.

Jump: Why dance when you can stay in more or less one spot and soar majestically into the air continuously for three hours? Like an annoying small dog trying to jump up at a dinner table. Many people take this way too seriously. If they see someone else jumping, for some reason they assume trials for the Olympic high jump team are being held in da club and will jump higher than is socially acceptable.

Spaz out a bit: See what everyone else is and do the exact opposite! R. Kelly may not see a whole lot wrong with a little bump and grind (unless someone has crashed into his car a little bit) but you probably do! You fucking prude. Flail your arms wildly and stomp your feet until you’ve stepped on everyone’s toes and hit them in the face for good measure. The only reason you’re being dragged out by security is because you’re showing everyone up!

Actually dance well: If you’ve gone through this guide thinking “But I can dance better than this!” then a couple of things should be said. It’s cute that you don’t have self-esteem issues and that you have kind friends, but seriously, why else would you have read this far? Also, who needs to actually dance well when you have a knife. That stops people laughing more effectively than any “good dancing” I’ve come across.

Disaster struck at the University of Essex on Monday as a group of students and members of staff were left stranded behind an automatic door which momentarily decided to not work. The automatic doors outside SU bar and mini mall, which are as reliable as the university wants to bribe me into saying they are, stopped working and left the group with no option but to wait. “We didn’t know what was going on,” Jane Hill, a sociology student, explained, “it was like the doors didn’t want me to go to the library to check my Facebook!” Other people had more reasonable explanations for the disaster; some saying it was God punishing people for ordering food from SU bar. On top of the punishment of waiting 5 hours for the stuff.

A bystander who was fortunate enough to be stood on the other side of the doors in relative freedom gave us an account of the tragedy he saw. “It was horrific to watch, you hear about stuff like this happening but you never think it’ll happen to someone you know,” he explained, “fortunately I didn’t actually know any of them but the point is I might have!” Other passers-by gave similar thoughts on the ordeal, with some wishing it happened to them instead. Most of them because they had boring lectures they wanted to miss but others because they were planning on going on X-factor and needed a suitable sob story to make up for their lack of talent.

The nightmare scenario ended when one brave hero searched for an alternate route to leave the building. Risking his life venturing back into SU bar, he used his heightened orienteering skills to discover that the doors in SU bar nearer to the bakery were open. He then used his technological nous and leadership qualities to send everyone a text message telling them where he was and usher them to safety.

We somehow managed to get a word with the glorious hero who wants to remain anonymous for fear of being inundated with women wanting to sleep with him. “I’d been stuck there for a good 3 minutes, at first I didn’t want to waste a precious 30 seconds looking for another way out,” he explained, “but then I realised someone needed to take a stand, don’t view me as a hero though, I just want the fucking doors to work.”

Stories of personal heroism aside it was a sobering occasion for all involved, in more ways than one for some. The question on everyone’s mind has to be, how many more of these disasters do people have to suffer before it spurs the university into action?

Hello everyone, it has been a while since I’ve done a “serious” post on politics but with the budget getting announced on Wednesday I feel I should. Mainly I will be writing about the radical economic reforms I hope Osborne reveals tomorrow to really kick start the economy. I’m not an economist, so I feel I’m probably best placed to come up with interesting reforms because I’m not obsessed with whether the numbers “add up”. Who gives a fuck about whether numbers add up when people’s livelihoods, ie. mine in writing this, are at stake? Not me, that’s for certain and that’s all that really matters in this case. So on to my reforms.

Make moaning a real occupation

People in this country love to have a good moan, so much so they decide that everyone needs to hear it constantly. Whether it is about the weather or the latest NHS reforms, nothing is safe from the critical eye of the omniscient general public. At least they think they are omniscient, feeling the need to impart their economic/political wisdom to the public via their shitty blogs before they head off for college that morning. So why not put people’s self proclaimed knowledge to good use? Create a whole new business sector devoted entirely to the art of complaining and then export our wonderful opinions. Since we know everyone in Britain obviously loves hearing what we think constantly, it makes sense that the entire world should want to as well. Another benefit is that unemployment would drop massively; especially amongst university students who clearly have it so bad I’m surprised Sub-Saharan African countries haven’t started a charity drive to help the poor souls. *IRONY IN THIS PARAGRAPH NOT DETECTED*

Privatise air

Since the coalition government have decided to privatise more or less everything else which Britons hold dear, why not privatise the ability to breathe too? The proposal is a simple one, you build a giant dome around the country and then suck all the air out of it. Everyone then gets given Sandy Cheeks’ style air helmets and then sorts out a contract with whichever private air company they wish. I feel it should work a lot like mobile phones, you can have a monthly contract of air with free extras like a fresh pine scent. Or you can have pay as you go air, if you run out, you simply run to the nearest shop and ask for an air top up card. Once you’ve scratched off the foil, rung up the company and punched the 25 character code into your phone, you’ll probably be dead. Which is what you deserve for going pay as you go. Also, there will be a small amount of “welfair” given out to people who cannot afford private air. However this air won’t be as good a quality and will purposely smell like cigarettes and failure.

Give Scotland independence and then invade them

You know what gets the economy moving? A good old war and we haven’t had a proper one of those in a while. You know what also helps the economy? Oil, oil brings us a lot of money and you know what country lays claim to a whole load of oil? Scotland of course! With their naive boasts of how much oil they have and how it would be able to keep their economy afloat they’re pretty much begging for someone to invade them. So what we do is, launch a violent campaign in favour of Scottish independence but also tell them that they can have 100% of the North Sea oil. Then a few months after they’ve been allowed to be an independent state we invade them and take all their oil. To make it slide with the general public we’ll say they have WMDs, which with trident they technically do so I doubt we’d get any UN sanctions against us for doing this. The only hitch with the plan is that American might try and invade before us which would make things a little awkward. But if they do that then we’ll just claim we’re trying to free the Scots from the oppressive regime of Alex Salmond, Americans love freeing people.

Heroin Addicts To Be Officially Recognised As “Woodland Creatures”

A successful campaign by School Children at “Little Oaks Primary School” has seen the Government pass the “Don’t look them in the eye” Bill. The bill means that heroin addicts who so often make woodland areas their “feeding grounds” will be recognised as woodland creatures and protected by whatever laws protect woodland creatures. Head Teacher of the school, Jamie Crumlin, was thrilled with the outcome, “They really are integral to the great British woodland, sometimes we take the children out to observe them feed on heroin so they have a better understanding of the ecology of the area.” Sadly cocaine addicts still continue to be hunted to extinction by their natural predator the “Popo”, however, their affinity to breed at unholy rates has stopped their species dying out completely. 

March Awareness Month Continues

March awareness month continues to be an unprecedented success as more and more people become aware that it is currently March. Since the start of the month there has been a sharp decline in people asking what month it is thanks entirely to the campaign. “March 2012” as the campaign is colloquially known as exploded on Facebook after the organisers of the campaign “Invisible Calendars” released a 30 minute youtube video. The video aims to educate people that currently it is March and to make the current month famous the world over. There has been some criticism of the movement, claiming that it “oversimplifies” the complex intricacies of calendar reading and that when it comes to April that the campaign will be “fucking useless”. However, this reporter says, if you don’t want to be reminded what month it is, get over it.

Man Continues Process Of Committing Suicide Via Natural Causes

The general public are becoming increasingly uninterested with Ted Hawkin’s continued claims that he is committing suicide by eventually dying of perfectly natural causes. Local residents are willing to help speed up what has to be the most long-winded and idiotic suicide attempt known to man. “I just don’t get it,” his neighbour stated, “he keeps telling us that it’s the day he might finally commit suicide of old age, of course it won’t be, he’s 23 the fucking idiot.” The process of his suicide involves continuously reproducing cells until they are unable to properly reproduce further and his body finally shuts down at the ripe old age of 78 probably.

We’ve all had bad days in our life-times, you might even be having a bad day right now, God knows I’m having a bad one being forced by my bosses to write this thing. But I can rest easily in my cardboard bed thanks to the aid of sleeping pills which my less than minum wage pay slip allows me to buy instead of food some days. At least once in our lifetime we also claim to have “the worst day ever”, blissfully ignorant of what other people may be going through. Having family members die or being diagnosed with a terminal illness may seem like good criteria for a “worst day ever”, in reality though they aren’t.

Maybe if we all stopped being so melodramatic about our problems for one second we could spare a thought for the person who has literally had the worst day ever for 100 consecutive days. The mantle goes to 20 year old student “Stacey Tipex” whose real name won’t be revealed to protect her from an onslaught of moral knights asking her if she’s “alright”, when obviously she isn’t. Since there is no real scientific way of determining who has had the worst day ever, the advent of facebook has been a great boon to sociologists who want to study this.

Before the invention of facebook, there was no way of being totally sure who was having the worst day ever. You might see people being mugged in the street or someone just missing a bus, but who out of those was having the worse day? The answer is, of course, whoever posted about it on their status first. There’s still no science at all to actually back up the claims, but facebook statuses are quite simply fact. There’s no denying it.

There must be some deep underlying reason why this poor woman keeps having the worst day ever. You don’t just keep on seeing statuses like “Worst day ever, lost my keys for five minutes” or “My shelves are dusty, worst day ever!” for no reason. I just hope and pray that we can find a cure for this girl so one day she doesn’t have the worst day ever. It doesn’t even need to be the best day ever, just something to stop her suffering.

Some soulless people may ask her to stop for a second and consider starving children in Africa. Why would she want to do that? Now she’s probably thinking of starving African children and feeling fat as a consequence which will no doubt lead on to anorexia. Whoever would have the nerve to say that really needs to take a look at themselves and consider committing suicide, there’s no place on this earth for nihilists like you.

There has been a buzz at the psychology department this week as a saltwater crocodile has been brought in from the Adelaide River in Australia to help with behavioural studies.  

“We’re really quite excited about the contribution our new member of “staff” can make,” Professor Chris Barry stated. Specifically the crocodile has been brought in to help research solutions to anger and behavioural difficulties in children. “We’ve been making some quite important strides in our research already,” Dr. Mitch Callan revealed, “specifically we’ve discovered that rowdy children pipe the fuck down when threatened with an angry crocodile.” Luckily due to there being a nursery on campus there is a steady stream of badly behaved children with which to do research with, though this has brought complaints. “We’ve had a few parents calling us unethical, but they have nothing to worry about, the crocodile is at no risk of getting harmed by the children,” Mitch explained, rather gloriously missing the point.

If the research is successful, Michael Gove wants to make it compulsory for schools to have at least one crocodile to help with discipline. However this policy would be likely to alarm wishy-washy liberal groups who will probably complain that this could be potentially dangerous to students. Perhaps if they were able to make their children behave properly, it wouldn’t have to come to this.