“Stop bugging us!” – Plead top UK cancer researchers
A group of high level researchers at Cancer Research UK have been getting increasingly tired of public pleas for them to actually cure cancer. The researchers feel too much pressure is being put on them by cancer sufferers themselves but also by the media constantly asking the public to donate money to help fund further research. Mark Thomson gave us some insight, “Constant letters telling us that their children are dying won’t help us find a cure any quicker, it’s like they want to hinder us sometimes, it takes time to read them all.” His sentiments were echoed amongst his colleagues, many of whom were getting tired of receiving charity money and feeling obliged to spend it on research. “Sure it’s cool to get new equipment with the money, but the novelty quickly wears off and people become apathetic until we get a new toy to play with,” Bert Clysder explained, “if people spent more time becoming medical researchers rather than sending us money we might have found a cure by now.”
Celebrities now randomly taking babies from maternity wards, no one cares.
A new craze of “spontaneous adoption” has swept the celebrity world in the past few weeks. The trend started when Nicole Scherzinger was seen leaving a maternity ward with a baby under each arm. Since then other celebrities have followed the trend, Kanye West was spotted transporting a wheelbarrow of new-borns out the hospital. For the most part, the parents of these children are grateful they’ve been guaranteed wealth without needing to actually work hard or have natural talent. “I’d be a little more upset if I knew them properly,” a former mother of twins explained, “but it’s hard to relate with someone when all they do is cry.” However, not everyone is comfortable with people accepting what is essentially kidnap. Barry Redfern, who recently became inundated with a son, gave his side, “This doesn’t make any sense! Why are people just happy to have their children taken from them? People should be disgusted with themselves!” The only explanation for this angry outburst of logic has to be jealousy due to no one wanting to take his ugly baby off his hands.
Scientists disprove infinite love
Now to round off with a light hearted story as scientists at CERN have proved beyond all doubt that there is no such thing as infinite love. No matter how much you insist that you love your partner infinitely, it has been proven that it just isn’t possible. Religious leaders have latched on to the research claiming it gives even more proof for the existence of God since he has the capacity to be a dick sometimes. “We always thought God was omnibenevolent, since that has been disproven we can explain why bad things happen to good people, God likes being a jerk sometimes,” Father Usther explained. The scientists at CERN confirmed the sole purpose of the research was so people spent less time thinking about stupid things so more time could be spent on worthwhile endeavours, like building a full scale working replica of Megatron. “Who needs infinite love when you can have something that is infinitely cool, like Megatron, John Ellis reasoned.