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Dear SU

Dear “The Establishment”,

As we all know, one of the most important facets of life at University is the social side that people take part in. If it turns out you weren’t aware of this that might go some way to explaining some of your recent decisions. You learn something new every day and I’m happy to impart that bit of knowledge upon you.

Big parts of the social experience for many people (I’ve asked them) are the nights out that the SU provides on campus. Essex is in a unique position compared to many Universities in that it is able to provide easy to access nights out on campus, rather than people having to into town where specific requirements of some students (IE disabilities) may not have been as well thought out. The SU has often prided itself on the nights out it provides, in particular Sub Zero. Several times during my open day and Fresher’s Week I was reminded of how Sub Zero had won the Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles best student venue award, or whatever it was. I’m eating Fruit Pastilles at the moment and figured that was as likely a sponsor for something Essex would win as anything else.

The SU has consistently been able to expand the musical tastes by bringing in exciting new acts that no one has ever heard of. In fact these acts are so “underground” they probably still work in Wilkinson during the day so they can afford bus fare to get to the University to perform. Not that I begrudge these prodigal DJs being given some time to make their way and perhaps graft their way on to being on a late night slot on their local radio station.

This is why the decision to remove the ability to buy tickets online is one that confuses and enrages me! The student body has had little to no consultation on this, which for a decision the magnitude of this is simply unacceptable. Even the decision to bring in a cinema which exclusively shows movies people already have on DVD had something in the way of a consultation process. What is more, instead of giving us prior warning to explain the changes you have decided to just implement them with little regard of what the reaction of the students you claim to represent might be. Kind of like shopping for presents blindfolded then throwing away all the receipts and hoping for the best.

This decision will affect those who live off campus the most, why would people run the risk of going on to campus when they could be turned away at the door. Even worse, half a friendship group might be able to gain entry whilst the other half wouldn’t be allowed in. Buying tickets online ensures that you know that you will gain entry and will be able to enjoy your night without the worry of time constraints. I like to be able to purchase my ticket for Sports Fed knowing I’ll be able to enjoy that particular wind down after a hard day of losing for the Wii Tennis second team.

 In my view, a large number of students will not bother going onto campus for their night out and thus the SU will lose business not only from ticket sales but also from drinks sales. I understand the SU is a not for profit organisation, but I was unaware that the grand aim was to continuously lose money. Though if that is the case, then this policy is a cracking way of going about that, really well done guys.

Not angry, just disappointed,

Antony Taylor xxx

A Response To Mo Metcalf-Fisher’s Response.

“Every few years the issue of the Falklands arises and causes a slight stir within Britain, usually after the enormous pressure of our compelling and thought provoking arguments as to our claim to the Islands. Talking to those outside of Argentina is a regrettable task, for I cannot speak English and most of them cannot speak Spanish. This whole article is, in fact, put through Google translate. Apologies are many great if broken English is to be appearing.

“But the need to keep pestering Britain to give us back our Islands has never been more crucial. Like a cruel parent who lets their child have a little bit of wine with a meal so they become intoxicated and some in Britain would call “deluded”, they then have snatched it from us. Enough is enough, why does Downing Street get the cabernet sauvignon while we only get the Ribena? Is it time for Cameron to drop these dreams of letting the people decide and free the Falklands from his economically moribund nation?

“I don’t want to delve too far into the history of the British’s occupation of our great Islands. It is a nuanced history, full of books and people and frankly quite a lot of reading. I don’t wish to bore people with a history lesson when what we should be focusing on is the present and the future of our islands. I’d also recommend that you don’t read any further than this article on the subject. All you really need to know is right here to be honest with you. 

“Spain held the Islands briefly during the eighteenth century before returning them to the British in 1770, despite claiming continued ownership until 1806 when their governor departed. Yet today, Spain makes no claim on the islands. Which is their problem really, perhaps if they had a better poker face they wouldn’t have lost any and all right to claim the islands that night.

“British actor Sean Bean has, possibly, expressed his support for Britain with no grasp of how to stay alive in films and with no obvious motive for wanting to support Britain’s occupation of the islands, apart from perhaps to try and get written into a heroic Falklands movie in which he isn’t killed off in some manner. Really, why would you trust anything the guy says on the Falklands? He clearly can’t read contracts clearly enough to realise that his character will inevitably die. Why can we expect him to read the entire history of the Falklands properly? A history, I reiterate, which you should not yourself read either. 

“The British have completely colonised and overrun our beautiful Island, probably ruining the landscape in the process with wind-farms or whatever it is the British are obsessed with these days. I’ve not visited the Falklands myself for a while, but I can only assume the place is overrun with fish & chip shops and pregnant teenagers. The remaining resistance group of Argentinians don’t “get on” with them so much as begrudgingly put up with. Like everyone in the Chelsea dressing room with a wife “puts up” with John Terry. 

“I ask the question: how would you feel if someone you held dearly lived, worked or was stationed on the Falklands and was felt continuously threatened by the possibility of Argentine occupation? Sounds fantastic doesn’t it? It’s like a seemingly endless advent calendar waiting for our invasion; I mean liberation of our great islands! For the whole thing to be put to rest, we must finally take back what is rightfully ours! Britain can no longer look down on us like a disappointed parent telling us what Islands we can or cannot have!

“Never has there been a more pressing time to offer a referendum than now. A referendum for a call to military action, that is! Whilst many still willingly or unwillingly believe Britain’s lie that the islands remain their territory, a referendum result in favour of the Falklands returning to Argentinian control (which I am convinced will be the outcome) shall hopefully convince the doubters and victims of British propaganda of Britain’s unlawful and much maligned ownership of the islands. 

“In the meantime, Cameron is a little bitch.”

“Yours”

Original article here http://www.theblueguerilla.co.uk/2013/01/r-grassroots-falklands-response-to-no10.html

Monday - A rough guide

Since last year at University, I seem to have learnt very little from my mistakes in my attitude towards study. Yes, I may have got a high 2:1 but that was mainly due to panicky last minute study and cramming a couple of topics per module and praying they would come up on the exam. This tactic worked, not due to divine intervention, the praying was more an excuse to procrastinate even more than I already was. It was sheer dumb luck. Dumb luck because my actions last year suit the word perfectly. 

Nobody likes Mondays, at least Monday mornings (unless they’re getting sex/bacon/sexon) because it brings with it a horrible inevitability. The inevitability that you will actually have to do something, because the economy demands people work and don’t just lie about doing nothing. As a student, I do a lot of lying about doing nothing, this is often accompanied by eating.

Sadly Monday means I have to stop being a 20 stone man in a 10.5 stone man’s body and drag myself to campus to study. Roughly, here is how the day unfolds.

??.??: I wake up and check the time. I put question marks here because what time I wake up seems to be randomly determined by forces beyond my control. Like what weapon you get on Mario Kart, sometimes it’s the star, but mainly it’s a banana peel.

10.00: I make it to my lecture! Hurrah! I sit down next to a friend, so long as they don’t have anyone already sitting there. I then proceed to stare blankly at the lecturer for an hour, making very few notes and lots of poor jokes. 

12.00: By this stage I’ve already been sarcastically congratulated by nearly all of my friends for turning up to something. I feel like Muttley from Catch the Pigeon whenever he does anything remotely good. By now, if all the sarcastic, metaphorical medals were real, I could probably go on “The Real Deal” and snag myself a tenner or so. Mainly in scrap value.

2.00-6.00: By now, I’ve finished my class and don’t know what to do. I might do reading? The more likely version of events is that I’ll go into the library, read for like ten minutes and then text someone to see if they are on campus. Preferably someone with Fox’s Glacier Fruits. Who sits with me in the Government common room. This is a very specific person.

10.00: The other hours aren’t interesting. What is interesting is pre-drinks for Milk It! Head up to Top Bar for the second or third time that day to drink whatever sorrows you have away before heading out on the dancefloor and realising life isn’t actually that shit.

2.30: Leave milk it. Alone. Go back home. Smile and regret it the next day.

Blog writer foolishly fails to take own advice on dancing

“Do not judge lest you be judged” is a phrase which rings very true in a lot of walks of life. A great example are fat football fans who chant abuse at their own players, as gravy from their £2 pies dribbles down their undersize, out of date shirt. Those who can’t do, teach. Although “get up you pansy twat” is teaching in only the very loosest sense of the word. Footballers, sometimes, bite back and say things like “Well unless you endeavour to grace the pitch with your sublime play then I suggest you remain taciturn”.

Such a situation has arisen for one of the writers of the Fox, in which he or she has taken it upon themselves to judge the god awful dancing of their close friends and write a sarcastic article on how this could be improved. “How to not seem like a total prick in Sub Zero” could have been brutally summed up by just saying “Don’t bother going” as futile the task to improve everyone’s dancing to an acceptable level is. However, in the author’s haste to poke fun at their peers, I have forgotten that I am also a terrible dancer and should’ve taken heed. Such a situation is like trying to herd cats, when you yourself are also a cat.

A large part of the problem stems from limitations in the advice the author gave. “Copy everyone else” doesn’t really work when all your friends have pulled and you’re desperately looking round the room for someone who hasn’t. Unless you plan on joining your friend in grinding on some unsuspecting girl, then you can’t really copy people anymore (Pro-tip: Eiffel Towers are rarely a welcome suggestion). The key to singing along instead of dancing is knowing words. Not just singing any old words, which is a tactic lots of people employ to pretend they know, but the actual words.

In conclusion, so long as the author has decided it will be funny to write a half in fun all in earnest guide to improving dancing standards on campus perhaps it would be wise for them to give it a read. It may well have been full of sarcasm and dancing advice that would make Strictly judges want to break everyone’s legs. However, the advice was inadvertently a million times better than the current standard of the author’s dancing. Perhaps it’s time for me to swallow my pride and admit, I always look like a total prick in Sub Zero.

Today’s Lecture/Seminar Notes: HR291 - Human Rights in a historical perspective

Lecture

• Made it to class with 2 minutes to spare despite waking up 20 minutes ago. It’s going to be a great day.
• Then again I never really was one for foresight.
• Complained about missing out on breakfast to friend sat next to me. “You should’ve woken up earlier” - Thanks for that Captain Hindsight.
• Speaking of foresight, whoever booked this room must not have realised how many people would turn up. Pehaps they were factoring in creeping apathy later on in the year. The smaller the room, the less depressingly empty it feels. At least that’s what I tell myself every night.
• No, you are not rescheduling the fucking lecture. You fuckers. Though it is nice that the Uni is playing by the “15 minute rule”.
• They cancelled the lecture. Time for breakfast.

Seminar

• Will the teacher arrive? Who knows. Has anyone done the reading? No, no one has. If they say they have, they’re a liar.
• Admin?! I came here for nothing! NOTHING!!!
• I gave the loudest “Here!” on the register. Thus asserting my dominance in the class as the person who gets most excited at their own name.
• I wish I had friends.
• My wrists appear to have slit themselves, I didn’t realise I was quite that unhappy with events.
• “People will have different opinions on what is acceptable or not, so you should do the reading” - My opinion is that not always doing the reading is entirely acceptable.
• Someone called “Hope” has just entered the room. I’d say “The room is now filled with Hope” but I feel that is a little insulting.
• Just over a month before the first essay is due. A month before I start it then.
• Due tomorrow? Do tomorrow!
• Ironically, the week the lecture on Printing was meant to be has gone wrong. As has the actual printing itself.

A-Level Results and preparing for University pt.1

Hello children, it has been a while hasn’t it? My posts have been appearing with less and less regularity for a number of reasons. Firstly and most importantly, I’m not your monkey type-writer slave who is expected to churn out something amusing at the click of your mouse. I’m joking, I knew what I was in for when I signed that cursed contract, though it’s hard to type with cymbals in each hand. The fez is very catching though. Secondly, I have been enjoying my summer as has everyone else I’m sure. I think the audience for my blog is probably highest during term time when people are checking off the list of things they can use to distract themselves from actually doing work. Granted, reading my blog is possibly below “suicide” on a lot of these lists, but the point remains. I think it’s fair to have a summer hiatus. Lastly, I’ve sort of dried up for ideas a little bit, I have a few stored away for a rainy day but nothing concrete. Largely this is because of reasons 1 & 2.

Now on to the point of this post after I’ve just excused my own laziness, receiving A-Level results and what to afterwards. I fully recall this time last year, I was on holiday on the Isle of Wight with some of my wonderful friends. I think perhaps I might be one of the only ones who remembers that day as most of them were blind drunk most nights. I was unable to sleep the night before, I’m not entirely sure I wanted to. Like a museum night watchman who hates his job, at some points I wanted to nod off and yet I had more important things on my mind. I eventually did get to sleep for a blissful 1 hour of sleep. Though I woke up sweating like paedophile in a sweet shop.

This might sound silly just for A-Level results, I mean I could just retake, right? Well not really. I had already had to retake my second year after a bout of depression during my first attempt and I knew this was basically it. As good as my college were to me, I’m not sure they’d have accepted me giving it a third go. Going to university was always my goal from a young age, 16 to be exact. Sadly, in the particular place we stayed on the IoW there was hardly any phone coverage.

Like so many places in the UK they seem to have refused to believe technology exists and make no attempt to keep up. Like the lazy people during P.E. who the teacher scorns for putting no effort in, so I scorned the IoW for their poor investment into mobile phone masts. So I had to walk about half a mile to get good coverage to ring my mum up to see if the letter from UCAS had arrived. Granted, it’s a bit like the “First World Problems” version of an Oxfam advert, telling us how a small African child has to walk 20 miles for a thimble of water. But all this is in comedic hindsight.

This post is already quite long. So I shall continue it later, that’s great for you guys though. Right? You love reading my life story? RIGHT?!

News you may have missed during the Olympics

Dance offs to settle court cases

Ken Clarke has brought in sweeping changes to the legal system right under everyone’s noses this week. The most dramatic of these changes has to be to create a TV channel under the BBC umbrella to exclusively air various court cases. This is in order to get more people interested in law and also give more justification to the license fee. Truly, what the BBC lacked was the gritty realism of actual criminal prosecutions.

The channel will include live commentary in every court case; with Mark Lawrenson moving from BBC Sport to be the frontman of the “BBC Court” commentary team. “I really feel my pessimistic outlook is more appropriate for an environment where people’s futures are on the line, rather than the premier league title” Mark mumbled, the words clearly pre-written. Other features include the ability to vote on how you think the court case should end, either via the red button or online. Originally the result of the votes were going to be the final decision for the court case, in place of an actual jury. However, after internet trolls had rigged the online voting so a 15 year old charged with stealing Smarties got the death penalty, the voting is now just for fun.

Furthermore, for every ten court cases aired, one of them will be settled via a dance off. Ken Clarke has said this is in order to cut bureaucracy and the time of various judges and lawyers. Critics have called this move “nonsensical” and “unfair”, however, perhaps if those people could throw some significant shapes, their minds might change.

Towns to be given corporate sponsorship

In a desperate attempt to get more investment flowing into the country and based of the success of the companies being given monopolies at the Olympic park, Osborne has decided to spread this across the country. “What we need during radical times are radical policies,” Osborne explained, “the CEOs of various successful companies have told me that them having monopolies in towns & cities across the country would be beneficial and since I have no idea what I’m doing, why not go for it?”

Some towns have already been twinned with companies to turn them into “Corporate Sponsor Towns”. Most of these towns have had their names changed, to fit in line with their sponsors. Furthermore all small-medium sized businesses and in fact; all businesses other than the sponsors themselves, have been wiped out. These towns will be fully free from government regulation and will in effectively be governed by the corporations. This includes what is taught in schools and how the law works. For example, Coca-Colancaster has brought in a law that if anyone orders or tries to buy a drink other than Coca-Cola they are tried as a witch. Naturally, the way the trial works is for them to be thrown into a pool of Coke tied to a chair. If they die, then they would have died whilst enjoying the refreshing taste of Coke for as long as possible. If they live, they were a Witch, who was forced to enjoy the refreshing taste of Coke and hopefully converted.

Other sponsor towns now include “Nandover” which is Andover sponsored by Nandos. The town has recently seen an upsurge in teenagers wishing to buy houses there, mainly male teenagers. Unfortunately, the town has also seen an upsurge in accidental Piri Piri related deaths. Oxford, who are now sponsored by Crocs (the shoes) and have thus changed their name to “Crocsford”. Whilst applications to the university from snooty rich people have dropped dramatically, these have in turn been replaced by twats who think crocs are acceptable.

Blast from the past: A guide to exposing the truth pt. 2

Wassup bitches. Here’s part 2 just like I promised. Promised being used in the loosest possible sense. The sense that I never actually promised this. But it makes sense for me to post this since I posted part one. Enjoy friends <3

Thirdly. If you’ve not seen the movie, heard any of the songs on the album or played a single level of a game. Who cares? All you need to form a well-reasoned and balanced opinion on something is to have seen a trailer. Then when people call you out on not having seen something, you can say that you have and then cite things you’ve seen in the trailer. Perhaps quickly look on the Wikipedia page and copy and paste something from the synopsis section. Not having seen/heard/played these things means that your user reviews or comments can be quicker to the point and not bogged down in detail no one cares about. You know, details like “Who starred in it?” “How long does the single player last?”  If you don’t like the look of something, a simple “Boring” will suffice. What justification is needed with that? After all, the movie is trying to sell itself to you, trying to justify you watching it by trying to make itself entertaining. Why stoop to its level by doing the same thing?

Fourthly. If someone continues to disagree with you and who just won’t shut up no matter how many caps lock filled replies you post, it may be time for the nuclear option. The race card. No matter what race you are, a simple “Wow, no need to be racist” will cause other members to go completely over the top and over analyse each and every last one of your adversary’s comments before hand and pick out something which could loosely be construed as being racist. Also, if a reviewer gives a rating you don’t agree with, remember to remind them that “You’d have loved this movie if you weren’t so jaded; maybe this isn’t the profession for you”. On top of that, if you disagree strongly, remember to swear at them lots, this will show you’re a grown adult with adult opinions that should be respected and reviewed. This should make any self-respecting journalist review their own opinions and they should eventually see reason and fall into line with yours.

 Last but not least. If someone accuses you of being a troll. Simply deny this; if you were a troll you’d be purposely posting things that were clearly incorrect or offensive in order to illicit a response. However, you are trying to enlighten the people by telling them the right opinions on things. Those who cry “troll” will soon see the light of day and convert to your way of thinking. Remember to ask “Why is stating my opinion trolling?” and if someone gives a seemingly valid reason, ignore them, who cares what they think anyway? Also, perhaps accuse them of being a troll back, if they keep spamming that you’re a troll it’s probably because they’re a troll themselves.